Tips to boost your kid's confidence and people skills
It seems that Harry Enfield’s hangdog teenage character Kevin is still alive and well – and even more socially awkward than before. One of Britain’s top business leaders has warned of a “lost generation” of teenagers who can’t make eye contact, shake hands or even smile at adults.
Antony Jenkins, CEO of Barclays, is frustrated that so many of the teens he meets haven’t mastered even simple people skills. He’s urging parents to help children develop the social confidence that may make the difference between success and failure. What use is a string of A*s if you can’t look a job interviewer in the eye?
Experts say the problem is worse because children are getting less practice in face-to-face communication as they organise so much of their lives digitally. “Screen-based communication displaces face-to-face time,” says Janey Downshire, author of Teenagers Translated (Vermilion, £11.99).
“When you’re socialising with a screen you can’t see all the non-verbal elements, including body language, that make up 90 per cent of communication.”
So how can we help? Social skills are a bit like muscles: if you keep working at them, they get stronger. But try telling a teenager they need to practise their handshake...
We have to act more subtly, says Downshire. We need to model social confidence ourselves – which is the number one way teenagers learn behaviour. “A lot of parents are busy and stressed, and have a tendency to disengage and check their phones rather than make eye contact with their children,” she says. “If the only time you have eye contact is when you are disciplining them, you are inevitably teaching them to avoid eye contact.”
Persevere with structured family activities such as regular (screen-free) meals together. Research in the US among 200 families over seven years found teenagers who spent more time with their parents had better social skills and higher self-esteem.
“If a child is shy and awkward, mealtimes can provide an opportunity for them to socialise. Use eye contact to reassure and encourage that child’s participation,” says Downshire. “Make it a relaxed time for discussion and engage a child by asking them about something they feel strongly about – a sporting hero, film or fashion.
Look interested and engaged; this will give them a boost of confidence and help develop their art of conversation.” Try putting them in situations where they can practise social skills – which means stepping back and not doing everything for them. “
Send them on errands to the shop, ask them to book a restaurant table or make them book a dentist appointment. They may loathe the idea – one of my children hated telephoning someone she didn’t know – so stay in the background offering support. Offer them ideas of what to say if they’re nervous and rehearse ‘tricky’ moments the conversation might throw up.”
Throw them lots of chances to practise social skills: team sports are a natural, non-forced way to gain confidence. Help them pursue their interests proactively even if those interests seem a bit geeky. For example, if your child is really into Japanese cartoons or fantasy computer games, they can hook up with other fans online, which may lead
to face-to-face events. “My son is really into Warhammer [a fantasy war game you play with dice],” says Professor Andy Phippen at Plymouth University, an expert on teens and social media. “When I went with him to a conference about it, he said he felt much more confident talking to people because of the social networking he’d done.”
Group activities can also be beneficial. More than 130,000 15 to 17 year olds have so far completed the Government-backed National Citizen Service – two weeks spent away from home with 12 to 15 other teens: canoeing, climbing and other outdoor adventures, followed by a week learning about their community and devising a social action project. You can see their confidence suddenly skyrocket, says NCS director Natasha Kizzie.
“The outdoor activities week is when bonding happens and they realise, ‘Oh my gosh, I can do this.’ You can see that ‘magic’ moment where their potential is unlocked. Parents are much more protective than previous generations, so many teenagers are not getting a chance to see what they are capable of.
What we offer is a degree of safe adventure, which unlocks their self-belief. It’s a strange oxymoron: teenagers are more social than they have ever been, but less socially confident with people outside their peer networks.”
So much social confidence around adults comes from basic manners, Janey Downshire points out.
If your child knows what’s expected of them in a social situation – like turning off the TV when a visitor arrives and standing up to greet them – they will feel confident. It’s this confidence that makes the other person feel positive towards you.
In the past, teenagers would have had practice in dealing with social situations from Saturday jobs; Barclays’ Antony Jenkins worked in a petrol station. But only 20 per cent of teenagers have a part-time job now, compared to 40 per cent in the 1990s.
In 2013 Barclays set up LifeSkills, a programme to help young people develop social and work skills; so far 1.1 million have taken part. They learn how to communicate, shake hands and have positive body language. “It’s about understanding what is expected of them – their posture, standing up straight, looking people in the eye,” says Kirstie Mackey, head of LifeSkills.
She suggests parents arrange work experience for teenagers. It can inspire them – or make them realise what they don’t want from a job. It also helps them see what is required in the world of work. They’re very receptive and willing to learn once they realise what’s expected.”
Antony Jenkins, CEO of Barclays, is frustrated that so many of the teens he meets haven’t mastered even simple people skills. He’s urging parents to help children develop the social confidence that may make the difference between success and failure. What use is a string of A*s if you can’t look a job interviewer in the eye?
Experts say the problem is worse because children are getting less practice in face-to-face communication as they organise so much of their lives digitally. “Screen-based communication displaces face-to-face time,” says Janey Downshire, author of Teenagers Translated (Vermilion, £11.99).
“When you’re socialising with a screen you can’t see all the non-verbal elements, including body language, that make up 90 per cent of communication.”
So how can we help? Social skills are a bit like muscles: if you keep working at them, they get stronger. But try telling a teenager they need to practise their handshake...
We have to act more subtly, says Downshire. We need to model social confidence ourselves – which is the number one way teenagers learn behaviour. “A lot of parents are busy and stressed, and have a tendency to disengage and check their phones rather than make eye contact with their children,” she says. “If the only time you have eye contact is when you are disciplining them, you are inevitably teaching them to avoid eye contact.”
Persevere with structured family activities such as regular (screen-free) meals together. Research in the US among 200 families over seven years found teenagers who spent more time with their parents had better social skills and higher self-esteem.
“If a child is shy and awkward, mealtimes can provide an opportunity for them to socialise. Use eye contact to reassure and encourage that child’s participation,” says Downshire. “Make it a relaxed time for discussion and engage a child by asking them about something they feel strongly about – a sporting hero, film or fashion.
Look interested and engaged; this will give them a boost of confidence and help develop their art of conversation.” Try putting them in situations where they can practise social skills – which means stepping back and not doing everything for them. “
Send them on errands to the shop, ask them to book a restaurant table or make them book a dentist appointment. They may loathe the idea – one of my children hated telephoning someone she didn’t know – so stay in the background offering support. Offer them ideas of what to say if they’re nervous and rehearse ‘tricky’ moments the conversation might throw up.”
Throw them lots of chances to practise social skills: team sports are a natural, non-forced way to gain confidence. Help them pursue their interests proactively even if those interests seem a bit geeky. For example, if your child is really into Japanese cartoons or fantasy computer games, they can hook up with other fans online, which may lead
to face-to-face events. “My son is really into Warhammer [a fantasy war game you play with dice],” says Professor Andy Phippen at Plymouth University, an expert on teens and social media. “When I went with him to a conference about it, he said he felt much more confident talking to people because of the social networking he’d done.”
Group activities can also be beneficial. More than 130,000 15 to 17 year olds have so far completed the Government-backed National Citizen Service – two weeks spent away from home with 12 to 15 other teens: canoeing, climbing and other outdoor adventures, followed by a week learning about their community and devising a social action project. You can see their confidence suddenly skyrocket, says NCS director Natasha Kizzie.
“The outdoor activities week is when bonding happens and they realise, ‘Oh my gosh, I can do this.’ You can see that ‘magic’ moment where their potential is unlocked. Parents are much more protective than previous generations, so many teenagers are not getting a chance to see what they are capable of.
What we offer is a degree of safe adventure, which unlocks their self-belief. It’s a strange oxymoron: teenagers are more social than they have ever been, but less socially confident with people outside their peer networks.”
So much social confidence around adults comes from basic manners, Janey Downshire points out.
If your child knows what’s expected of them in a social situation – like turning off the TV when a visitor arrives and standing up to greet them – they will feel confident. It’s this confidence that makes the other person feel positive towards you.
In the past, teenagers would have had practice in dealing with social situations from Saturday jobs; Barclays’ Antony Jenkins worked in a petrol station. But only 20 per cent of teenagers have a part-time job now, compared to 40 per cent in the 1990s.
In 2013 Barclays set up LifeSkills, a programme to help young people develop social and work skills; so far 1.1 million have taken part. They learn how to communicate, shake hands and have positive body language. “It’s about understanding what is expected of them – their posture, standing up straight, looking people in the eye,” says Kirstie Mackey, head of LifeSkills.
She suggests parents arrange work experience for teenagers. It can inspire them – or make them realise what they don’t want from a job. It also helps them see what is required in the world of work. They’re very receptive and willing to learn once they realise what’s expected.”
Tips to boost your kid's confidence and people skills
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